Its a go!! Nov 17th!!!!

I am officially out of here on Nov. 17th. I'll be sailing out of San Diego on the Carnival Elation, doing the Baja Mexico run.

I have created a new blog for my adventure. Its my intention to update it daily. Here's the address: http://piratelife4me.blogspot.com. Check it out!!!

The Clip Art Conspiracy

I have come to the conclusion that the mafia must operate all of the supposed "free clipart" web site on the Internet. To enter this hive of scum and villainy is to step into a revolving door of sites that simply refer to each other and eventually lead you to either porn sites "Wanda Whips Wallstreet" or to "free" software download sites.

The big question: Is it the Russian or the Italian Mob behind all of this.

Very Sick Dick

I have always talked about crazy ideas that would make sweet T-shirts and the like, but as many people do, I simply talked schmack and moved on. Yesterday was ALMOST one of those days.

I was hanging out with a friend and mentioned an idea that occurred to me - yet another way to abuse our "beloved" VP Dick Cheney.

My friend dared me to put my money where my mouth was. One stock photo and a photoshop session later... I present to you my new CafePress store, Shop Naked!!

Clothing is optional, but buy my stuff either way!! There's only one design available at the moment, but tons on the way.

A New Oxymoron: Yoga Studio Potluck

I've just returned from a potluck/open house at the Yoga Studio down the street. They got the open house part down, no problem. The potluck was a bit less impressive, but what should I expect with a group of mostly anorexic women chatting among themselves and eating carrot sticks... Mostly vegan chili and other foodie FEMA-like disasters.

Damn, I need some beef.

The Carnival Valor

Things are finally coming together. I have been assigned a ship to work on for the next six months as an acupuncturist. This is the Carnival Valor - admittedly Carnival is well known as a "Booze Cruise" in the industry but at this point (with all that has gone on in my life recently) I am ready just to get out of the U.S. for a while.

I'll be in the Caribbean for the next 6 months - Jamaica, Barbados, St. Martin, Belize, Mexico, Bermuda, etc.... Life is rough.

Here's the floating city they call a ship:


I don't have a departure date as of yet, but I'll post it as soon as I find out.

Almost outta here...

I'm waiting on my ship assignment for the "Acupuncture-at-Sea" program through Steiner Intl. I'm just in the right place in my life where an adventure ought to shake out the cobwebs of my soul.

I'm hoping to be out of here by the end of the month (Oct) but perhaps November might be more realistic.

I'm debating as whether I should start a new blog in which (hopefully) I would record my experiences each day on board the ship. Any thoughts?

Full Steam Ahead

I'm back in Stumptown after surviving the wilds of Los Angeles. Being budget-minded I stayed in a Hostel in Santa Monica - big mistake. I'm just too old for that crap! I simply cannot understand why running up and down the hallways screaming at 2 am seems like such a good idea to a bunch of German 19 year olds, but they certainly thought so. It must be a lack of a fully developed pre-frontal cortex that does it.

Basically, I felt very old there, and had a strong inclination to hike my pants up to my chest and bitch about the weather/government/kids, etc... Er, wait I already do that... Never mind.

ANYWAY, the seminar was great, I felt like I learn a great deal about the Spa applications of acupuncture, and thus far (having absolutely no experience at all) think that it may be one of the bigger money makers for acupuncturists.

So, I'm going for it. I'm going to work on a cruise ship for 6 months and experience the whole thing. I'm at a point in my life where more of the same is just not welcome. I really need to shake things up.

So stay tuned for more posts as this adventure develops.

Slumming it in L.A.

I'm in Los Angeles for the Acupuncture at Sea seminar, a prerequisite for anyone wanted to work on the cruise ships, two days into it. Its a pretty good seminar so far, not sure what I enjoy more, the seminar or the seminar teacher, Stephanie (read: total hottie).

More to come...

Another Funeral

I'm in San Diego with all my family (on my mother's side). We spread my mother's ashes on the cliffs of Torrie Pines State Park. It was good to see all my family, including a cousin I've never met before, its too bad that it was for an event such as this.

The Shane Report

Here's the latest picture of "Little" Shane, who is now 6 months old, weighing in at 20 lbs and is 28" long!

Enough already!

I have to say this has been one hell of a rollercoaster year for me so far! My Nephew, Shane is born in early January - great news, but my father passes away three days later. Another great moment was the birth of my niece, Sasha in May. But good news just seems to require bad news, which is what I received two weeks ago.

I was making dinner, in a good cooking space, when my brother calls me and tells me that my Mom had just passed away! My first response was "You've got to be F@%king kidding me..." Not again, but that's how the cards have been dealt. Another trip to the funeral home, the oily dealings with the undertaker's attempts to sell you the most expensive items - my "Mother would want the best, right?"...

And now, off to San Diego for the services, seeing all my Aunts and Uncles, several of which I haven't seen since I was a teen.

For those who still have parents, two pieces of advice:

1. Don't put off the call, letter, or visit that you been meaning to make/write... you may not get that chance.
2. Clean up any unfinished business, clear the air, make amends if possible, again there may not be a tomorrow to do so.

I'm thankful that I had done both to a significant degree.

A Pirate's Life, Part 2

Well, it looks like (barring winning the lottery) that I'm going to working on a, yet undetermined, cruise ship for the next 6 months starting in October. I'll be attending the seminar/interview in September, and if all goes well, I'll be shipping out in October.

More to follow.

A Pirate's Life for Me?

Sometimes the best thing to do is to sell everything you own and just hit the road. You know, break free from this thing that you call "your life". I'm feeling just like that, and I think I may have found just the ticket: Working on a Cruise ship as an acupuncturist...

The Pro's:
No rent, no utilities, no food costs, free gym access, the open ocean (good for a Pisces like myself), world travel, and the chance to amass some major cash.

The Con's:
Loooonnnng hours, no land, a finite sized ship, old people, and an increased risk of meeting Barry Mannilow.

I'm checking it out as an option. Stay tuned, maybe my new posts will be via the oceans of the world.

The Virtues of a Well Educated Dog

I was taking the dog, Jazzy, for a walk up on Mt. Tabor one sunny morning when this fellow came up to me and strikes up this conversation:

(Mr. Slackjaw Simpleton): Hi, that's a nice doggy.
(Me:) Yep, he's a good boy, a bit rowdy at times, but a good boy none the less.
[pause... Mr. S is slack jawed, no doubt waiting for his new Vista OS to reboot]
(Mr S.): Oh. Is he tutored?
(Me - ponderous for a moment:) Why yes, in the classics.
(Mr S.): ?
(Me:) Yes, we just finished Shakespeare.
(Mr S.): Uh...
(Me): His favorite was the "Merchant of Venison", of course.
(Mr S.): Uh...
(Me): Well, Beowulf awaits, gotta go!
Mr S. Drool and a bit of steam from the ears.

Yes, I am an evil bastard and my tolerance for stupid people has not improved.

My Other Blog

My Absence aside, I have been a busy, busy boy. I've just started my new blog on a subject near and dear to everyone's heart, improving gas mileage and saving money on gas. Its called Gas Pump Wars. Check it out!

Branching out

Call it a bit of foolishness, but I've actually gone on MySpace. Its a bit of a dreadful place, akin to a pioneer town or something - very little rule or order. So sex spammers rub elbows with world leaders (not unlike the real world I suppose...). I have managed to meet up with some old High School friends I wonder what ever happened to.

MySpace Profile is here, should you want to enter that hive of scum and villainy.

The Cutiest Nephew ever!

This is my nephew, Shane. He enjoys sleeping, eating, and going in his diapers. He totally rules.

Finally, I can post again!!!

Sorry, no posts recently, but I've been having one hell of a time posting to blogger. Something was screwy with my profile.

So, here I am again.

My neice has arrived.

I am very proud to announce the birth of my niece, Sasha who was born on May 15th, 2007 at 8:03 pm. She weighs in at 7 lb, 12 oz. She's a really cutie!

While she's isn't my niece in the true biological sense, I have been officially designated as her uncle. I suppose in a more traditional setting I might her Godfather. I have been preparing for that possible event as well by running around with orange slices in my mouth.

Torturing myself with Telemundo

For those of you who are know to flip a channel or two on the box o' evil, check out the Telemundo Network. Its one of the Spanish language channels. I like to watch it regularly as I can make up my own translations for the ever pervasive Soap Operas. The fact there are so many hot women on the shows, it boggles the mind doesn't hurt either!

Fun with AdSense

As some might have noticed. I have AdSense ads at the bottom of this blog. I have done this strictly for the absurdist-surrealist poetry that only contextual ads can create. For instance when I type in the phrase Nazi Sex Midgets, the ads below will search for phrases to match their ads to. It might be that phrase. It'll be interesting to find out.

George Carlin - Owners of This Country

You have to Laugh or Cry...

Viewing Religion from a Marketing Standpoint.

Today, I"m in a rambling and philosophical frame of mind. Perhaps its our new Chinese New Year - the Year of the (Golden) Pig, or that we just entered Pisces. Regardless, here's what is bouncing off the inner portions of my Parietal Bones.

Consider religion from the vantage point of marketing. We can take Christianity in its many flavors and step away from the Faith/Emotionally-based aspects of this religion look at it from a marketing/sales perspective. It makes me admire the whole religion business. (As some of you might know, many of my ancestors were preachers - they couldn't resist the light work load).

Tangents aside, a select group of people (priests/preachers) have convinced a bunch of other people (church goers) that two unseen, unfelt, unheard entities (God vs. Devil) are battling over something that these people may or may not have (a Soul). Think about that for a moment. Talk about selling something that is extremely intangible! In fact, the primary usage of the product (salvation) cannot be used until the buyer is dead. Its really amazing to think about. I mean no one really needed a "My Puppy Puddles", but at least you had a tangible product that you could fill full of water and red food dye and redecorate the furniture with.

The architects of this amazing marketing plan had big upsell plans with their loyal customers. Through the use of repetition and perhaps a bit of intimidation, the marketers (preachers) coral their customers (congregation) into their store (church) every Sunday, tell them the same stories over and over again (all of which are designed to enhance customer confidence and satisfaction with their purchase). Many of these preachers collect a weekly subscription for their add-on services. While some more ambitious sellers/preachers are on the TV/Internet collecting their dues and subscriptions that way.

The marketers have a wonderful ad campaign against their competitors, reluctant and/or non-interested buyers. They simply inform them (usually with much feeling) that they will burn in a place called "Hell" for "Eternity". Wow, now that's some sales pressure. You thought the car salespeople are bad... nothing in comparison to these cats!

Those in the Christian branch of the religion business consistently refer to their sales book (Bible) which contains a great deal of circular logic (i.e. The book is the word of God, while being written by a group of men. Since God doesn't seem to make the daily rounds here on Earth, the buyers are asked to have "faith"). Another brilliant marketing plan.

Summary

• Buy Product (Salvation) = Product promised to be delivered upon death (product sold AS-IS, no warranties or guarantees provided).
• Product Reinforcement (Weekly Church) with Upsell (Tithing).
• Intensive Marketing Campaign provides potential customers with wonderful product promises and horrifying consequences for those who don't purchase Soul Insurance.
  

The whole marketing plan is rather brilliant, if not a bit shady. Nevertheless, its something to behold.

Jazz In Da House...

How DSB Helped Me Escape Jury Duty, Part II

So, once I entered the generic "Anytown, USA" court room, I was joined by the 30 other jury selectees, many of them left standing due to the lack of seating. As the tears of boredom still flowed freely the Plaintiff and the Defendant entered the room along with their accompanying attorneys. It was the Plaintiff's attorney that caught my attention. She was H O T!!! Muchas Calore!!

This Attorney who's name is Elvia, was a beautiful Latina, dressed to the nines in a dark blue pin-stripe business suit. She had sweet and confident manner about her, very pretty eyes. As many lovely Latinas often do, she had monster booty - almost in the Jennifer Lopez category (before she got thin and scary). Seeing as I'm the Booty Monster (inspired no doubt by Sesame Street's Cookie Monster, my reaction to monster booty is not unlike the Cookie Monsters reaction to cookies. Q.E.D.) and I've got a wicked case of DSB (Deadly Sperm Buildup - That's a true Zettaism folks), I was instantly in lust.

The attorney for the defendant was doing a Portland-Style Power/Gothic/Dragon Lady thang, and was dressed in all black, very pale skin, black fingernails, with black "mushroom head" hair (ala the secretary from Dilbert). Both were wearing impressive-sized wedding rings. I had the feeling they were real diamonds there.

So, final verdict for the Defendant's Lawyer: Scary; Plaintiff's Lawyer: Hottie!

We were asked a number of questions by each lawyer. The hot Latina lawyer asked questions if the use of interpreters (the defendant was Spanish speaking) was going to be a problem for each juror. There were some filthy racists there. This one woman in particular said that the defendant should speak English and she couldn't, then she had no business being in a court room. I was so ready to cut some brake lines or slash some tires after hearing that crap. Alas, my more pacifist side won out. When I was asked, I of course indicated that I was just fine with the use of interpreters as I often used them in medical practice as my Spanish is "muy mal". The conversation went something like this:

(Totally Hot Latina Lawyer aka THLL):"Oh, you speak Spanish, eh?"
Me: "Oh, just a bit."
THLL: "Any Spanish classes in school?"
Me: 2 Years in Jr. High, a year in High School, about 6 months at a Community College, and Telemundo."
THLL: "Telemundo?" She said with a raised eyebrow.
Me: "Yes, I watch Telemundo"
THLL: "And, what exactly do you watch on Telemundo?"
Me: "The soap operas... er, well the beautiful women really..."

At this point the courtroom erupts in laughter, the Judge shakes his head in a "why me" manner, the Lawyer gives me a little smile, and I'm feeling a bit veklempt in nether region. The plaintiff ( a pleasant, but not partially attractive) Latina is winking at me, while the racist old bitty is giving me the evil eye. I send it back with a cosmic wedgie. That'll show her. The attorney for the defense is looking at me in a way that has weighed and measured me down to the last ounce. The best option at this point is give her one of those infuriating Eddie Haskel grins. After the questioning is finished on both sides, the Attorneys and the Judge step into his chambers to complete the jury selection. Not before the Judge gives me one of those Old Testament looks. I was expect lightening or a good, sound smoting with a look like that.

They return and read the list of the final jurists, and surprise, I'm not on it. Strangely enough the nasty old racist b--ch was, plus the weird twitchy guy in the corner. He'll probably help keep people awake with his fidgeting.

So, that is one way to get out of jury duty, be hot for one (or both) of the attorneys. If that didn't work I was ready to blow kisses at the judge. Probably would of got contempt of court...

Genital Discrimination at Office Depot!

Well, I'm a bit miffed. I keep hearing that size doesn't count, but apparently to the advertising department at Office Depot it does! Today I received an email from Office Depot with the subject "Huge Member Savings"... Being me, I fired off this reply email:

Dear Size Queens,

Does the savings extend to those of us less generously endowed?

Yours etc,

Mr. TeenyWeeny.

I'll be interested to get a response from the corporate team.

How DSB Helped Me Escape Jury Duty

About three weeks ago, I had the dreaded Jury Duty day. It was a Thursday as I recall; I never could get the hang of Thursdays. As I was required to be at the County Courthouse at 7:30 am, I found myself stumbling my way through my morning routine 2 hours earlier than usual. Deciding that public transportation was the most practical means of getting downtown, I began my Urban Warrior Trek to this civic duty.

The bus ride was a typically early morning Portland experience; mostly sleepy office drones making their way to their giant metal and glass hives downtown to pollinate yet another stack of (ultimately) useless paperwork. As required by some obscure city ordinance there was the very loud, and most likely mentally handicapped person who sat in the front seat opposite the driver talking about the sad inanities that matter most to such folk. Half asleep I caught loud ranting phrases such as "...Ella, she's tough, she won't let them get away..." from our friend up front. Looking out a foggy window sitting next to a TPL (Typical Portland Lesbian), I finally found my stop, entered the county courthouse and suffered through the Paranoid Security Renaissance that has swept our nation and has cops everywhere whistling a merry tune as they frisk you and examine your "papers" [add your best Soviet Block Accent here].

Surviving the security's evil eye, I wandered into the Jury Duty room. To its credit they do have comfy chairs to sit in. There were about 120 damned souls suffering through some "Fair and Balanced" fox "news" show. It was there I waited, and waited, read about 20 magazines, and waited, check out the women, and waited... rinse and repeat. As lunch approached it was announced that there would only be two cases being tried that day and they would only need 30 people. I thought for sure I was going to make it out unscathed. The jury clerk, as old as earth itself, read out the names... I was number 29. Damn! A short and tasteless lunch later I reported to the assigned courtroom. That's where the trouble began...

Stay Tuned for Part II - Tomorrow!!!

Its time...

It is officially time to get married and have kids. Any takers?

The Old West with a Twist

If you're a fan of online comics or just good ol' fashioned storytelling, then check out Crowfeathers, a personal favorite of mine.

But, Winter Lingers...

Three days after the New Spring in our family began with the birth of my nephew, Shane; my father passed away after a long battle with metastatic prostate cancer. I spoke with him a few days prior to his death and he was entirely focused on hanging on until Shane was born, then he said "He was done with this Bullshit". He kept his promise, and departed knowing the family line continues and will do so long after he's gone.

Spring Comes Early

I am very proud to announce the birth of little Shane, my first nephew who was born on Jan 25th. He's wee lad weighing 10 lbs, 13 oz!! Both of his parents are tall folks, my brother is 6 ft plus. Funny thing considering I'm 5'7 on a good day. I suspect the milkman... Anyway, here's the "little" fella.